Giving up.

Colossians 1:11

“may you

be strengthened
with all power,
according to
His glorious might,
for all
endurance and patience
with joy.”

I have often tried to endure in my own power. I set my jaw, put on a bold face, push through. This can only last so long though. And I soon break, at home it was easier, I had gotten comfortable. I have good friends and like everyone else my family is not perfect, but I love them and they love me. I was able to hold that bold face for months or even years. And that is how I became hardened.

When I got here I heard everyone telling the interns they would be broken. I kinda doubted that would happen to me and I had an odd feeling of not wanting to be broken, but still sort of knowing I needed to be. The first break happened I think Thursday of week 2, and I thought ok this is good, I've gotten it over with, now I can move forward. I wonder If God laughed at those thoughts. Then two days later I felt crushed, ok this is good I thought, at least I'm not hardened any more. This has continued. The softer I become the easier I am hurt. And I often feel like I can handle it.

This morning or last night, I'm not sure which, felt like rock bottom, I poured out in prayer my heart to God. I felt overwhelmed about today, about kids club, IBS, homework. Stupid right, and to be honest I love the homework we are getting. I love doing IBS, I love having the outlet to write. I just feel the time crunch, and that's scary.

God lovingly reminded me this morning after pouring out my heart. “It's not about you.”

You see I got caught up in the trap again, thinking I had to find a way to cope, and not fall apart. At home I coped with friends and family, staying so busy with that meant no time to fall apart. Now I'm busy, but it's different, I now have to face everything I was pushing down.

God says I can fall apart, I can rant, I can cry. God told me “to give up.” To give up caring how I look, to give up holding it all together, To give up trying to do it in my own strength. He's been telling me this all along, but now that I am breaking I'm finally willing to receive it.

If enduring is not giving up, then here lies the paradox, God calling me to give up in order to endure.

As the verse says we are strengthened with all power according to His glorious might.

He is still breaking me. Part of me wants to fight and run from it, but luckily I feel too broken and crushed to do that. And oddly enough this process is actually a relief, I'm tired of trying to hold it all together. It's nice, joyful even to stop striving and come to Him simply giving Him my worries and handing them up to Him.

Application

To let go of the control I want and enduring in my own strength, no more hiding my feelings and acting like everything is ok.